SuperGurl

Whoa there, hoss. Thank goodness for the purity of the intranets, or I would have thrown myself into traffic by now.

My dearest allies, hear me. Do not believe the Devil when he speaks. There is no reason to trust what you are hearing now. None. So before you rely on the media’s interpretation of what’s happening, ask yourself, “When was the last time the media was responsible for delivering the truth?”

I love languange, I abuse it at will. You can only truly hurt the ones you love. But the abuses on the television are actually too numerous to name at this point, so as a layman I would just like to set a few things straight on this hallowed page so that all who wander here can put on my armor, feel the power of the forcefield known as the truth.

Cynics among us are wise to depart. Cynics don’t like truth, it tears them apart. But look closely dear brethren, you know it to be true, the cynic inside you is beaten and blue. Surrender your emotions, they won’t help you here. Your logic is necessary, desirable and clear.

Abuse #1: This credit crisis has been perpetrated by Wall Street and now Main Street is being forced to pay the bill.

The credit crisis was perpetrated by the greed of both Main Street folks taking out loans beyond their means, knowingly, and the institutions that exploited them (which were most notoriously government sponsored enterprise). Here in the over-regulated world of finance, that constitutes fraud. Plain and simple really. Now we don’t expect all of you non-regulated folktards to understand that you are breaking the law. And we know in some cases you can be too blinded by your own aspirations to care that you are breaking the law. But ladies and gentleman, in the comments I implore you, what then constitutes bank fraud to you? To me, in the simplest of terms, it’s knowingly over-extending yourself. Isn’t that truly the crux of the credit crisis?

In the unprecendented panic that played out this week, I had a moment of extreme clarity with one of my clients. He said he remembered friends all jumping into the real estate investment business and how easy the money seemed to come to them. Nothing down, no skin in the game. He said it always terrified him but looking back, had he known his taxes were going to be sucked away to bail them out, he would have interjected. I think we all feel that way now, that we were complicit in the crimes. People, knowing that you played a role, that’s involvement, however tangental. We all should have done something and we all should have seen this coming.

Abuse #2: Regulation and Government Intervention is the solution.

Nope. That dog doesn’t hunt. You want to talk about regulation? Let’s do. Regulation existed at every possible turn in the works of this now known clusterfuck and each time it failed to even slow the inevitable forces of greed and self-interest, yours and mine. Government intervention? Pardon me if I vomit in your face. Fannie Mae and Fredddie Mac were government sponsored enterprises and they are at the root of the crisis. It is the implicit government guarantees that destined them to failure decades ago. Just back in March of this year, when I was travelling east, I remember the news stations were still trying to unravel the mangled accounting practices of these government sponsored enterprises. To no avail, apparently. Funny when it was truly Wall Street (Enron, WorldCom, Dot.bombs) at fault, dozens of Wall Street regulars went to jail and we all felt justice was swift. I guess since encarcerating the brutes at the root of this public ass rape would leave us without a governing body in Congress, we don’t seem as bloodthirsty this round for sacrificial lambs?

I can’t wait until Obama turns Health Care and Energy Creation into government sponsored enterprises, for they are the final frontier in American innovation and life changing invention. Yeah, what we need right now is to choke out the last fully functioning parts of our economy. For crying out loud, vote Republican or we are all fuct.

Abuse #3: We are on the brink of a Great Depression

You hear that Elizabeth? I’m coming to join you. Redd Fox couldn’t sell drama this dank. I wanted to switch parties again this week when McCain was allowed to waffle on saying the fundamentals of our economy are sound. The fundamentals are sound. Our economy is made up of many industries and a trainwreck in one should not be assumed to torpedo all. How else do you explain our growth in GDP as recently as last quarter? I doubt the oil industry’s profits will be affected much by mortgage default rates. Thank goodness. Likewise, I expect agriculture, energy, construction and other industries to increase profits under the forced efficiency of tightening lending policies. Every dollar counts when the easy money dries up.

Our guiding principles are just. But like in days of old, nothing heals a democracy’s wounds quite like a public hanging. Dispense with the justice already, you blowhards, and let’s hang one for the Gipper, shall we? Starting with those known to have had insider information that ultimately doomed the American taxpayer (Note: taxpayer, not public–the two are not the same), the cowards of Congress who created this monster and fostered it’s incomprehensible survival in a free and competitive society. So who’s going to jail this time, that’s what I really want to know?

And there are more topics I’d like to take up, but it’s a beautiful weekend day in the land of the free and the brave. We are going to go entertain a few evacuees from the coast, share some fresh baked goodies with them and celebrate the freedom that allows us every subtle comfort that Americans enjoy. Thanks to the US military, ultimately, and in no way provided by the Fed.

Prosperity now to you, deary, and don’t forget, there’s always profit to be had in the truth. Considering we are neck deep into third quarter earnings reporting season, what is normally a depressed earnings atmosphere should be flipping-out-as-if-on-crack excited about any reported corporate profit. What a strange and wonderful perspective for third quarter! Don’t you think? We shall see. Prosperity now!

Hey Ya’ll

SuperGurl here. Yep, blog is back purring like her old self, kind of, thanks to RedNeck. And forgive me for not busting out a post at 7am Monday when things first started working again. I have a full time job though, people, you know this. Do not think your whining has been fruitless, the undying optimism out there has been encouraging to me in a major way. You’ve just been etching more ink on my soul skin. SuperGurl truly appreciates your concern. You are a blown-eye after my own doches, you are.

And besides my blog taking a three week dump, just last weekend, some mismatched software update issues prevented any form of internet access for three days. It was painful. I had so much to tell you, too. The blogmeet, the vacation, and oh my goodness, we have had much progress with the stand-by guy. But everything that survived in draft mode is pretty much passed shelf life now. Not to mention, I still can’t upload images here. All that adds up to clean slate country to you.

I like clean slate country. Where the past is forgotten, and forward is the only way left to go. It helps with work too, which took a turn for the worse whilst I was sunsoaking in the Bahamas. May I please urge you with all my might to spend your next bear market in beautiful tropical seclusion? It was a capitalistic inoculation for the bear bite I didn’t know I’d suffered. Probably kept me alive. But bears not only bite, they blow, so I happily move on to clean slate country.

And now that I have made a conscious effort to move on, I can’t think of squat to say. Good to be back though!

‘Neck was here, and I can upload images…

This bitch is back.

Sorry for the artfull title of the post, but man, I’ve got more emails in my inbox from supergurl and servage than I can shake a stick at. Sometimes the shotgun method is what it takes. This time it took it.

[audio:16-lynyrd_skynyrd-freebird.mp3]
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1mCQKuvzCM[/youtube]

Audio: CHECK
Video: CHECK

Rack me, I’m out. Time to go to work.

‘Neck

Hey, out there! Out in Swellville, I do envy you so.

Certainly no improvement here. I have so little time to do so much. Motivation has never been my friend, but I’m afraid the full moon converging with Constipation Fest may be just the cruxy confluence of events to mark my final descent into madness.

And in less than a day, my skin will be crawling and stomach churning in the pits of a windowless pale peach padded banquet room. Intros creep me out. Feels too much like an AA meeting, which is funny considering none of us have the ability to quit.

Nah. Constipation Fest means learning what the powers that be have decided is our next priority. We get whiffs of it in the weeks leading up to Constipation Fest. Usually just bipolar interpretations of the inevitable change to come. We will hear it all, everything from glory days to we are all totally fuct. I can’t wait. The whiffs I’ve gotten so far smell of festival grade dookie house. They are going to blow the doors off.

But then the nice thing about Constipation Fest is its inherent celebration of survival. You have to love the gut-busting goodness of knowing that this is the fifteenth fest I have been subjected and somehow survived. And hey, that means nada con zilch among the plaque plied mutants that flourish there. But it means a whole lot of something to me.

Something like success, or maybe just suck less. Either perspective, I welcome the change. And I guess like my wise minded clientele, after so many years I’ve learned to appreciate the delivery of an on-schedule mass of crap.

CF 15, hell yeah!

Are you like me, friend? Tired of finally turning off your television set only to hear the same lunacy parroted back at you from all directions? Do you sometimes feel uncomfortable in conversations about the economy simply because you haven’t spent a lifetime mired in it’s minutiae? Well, fret no longer, mon frere. SuperGurl, however absentminded, is here.

For today, and today only, I am prepared to offer you a challenge. In five paragraphs or less, I believe I can arm you with some new tools and complex sounding verbage which will elevate you easily to the top of the heap among your know-it-all friends. And why would I do such a thing, you ask? A sick, deranged, drooling capitalist like myself? Surely, you’re wondering already, “Yeah, but what’s in it for SG?” Right? It’s cool, I’ll get there. And while everyone loves a skeptic, let’s have some fun before we start talking compensation, shall we?

First, it’s important to recognize and assess your threat as soon as possible. Since ten times out of ten, the person you’ll be facing off with has no basis in fact, relax. Second, I find it very disarming to double down on depression. No matter how bad they say it’s going to be, make your prediction worse. Much worse. It’s a fantastic way to win over the terminal pessimist. Generally, they are the most depressing person they’ve ever been around, so you will really endear yourself to them if you employ my patented “double down on depression” move.

You are such a quick study! Now, memorize some nonsensical financial chatter that you can inject into any conversation. These are safe topics, much like bridge building in the sales culture, you know, when you find common ground with your subject that you can retreat to when the conversation gets beyond your control. Now if you were trying to sell them something, you would want to build that bridge out of benign and comfortable materials, a verbal respite for a conversation gone awry. But we aren’t selling, kids, we’re winning and the rules are totally different.

Nah, this needs to be a dilapidated bridge. Build it of refuse and as much catastrophic imagery as you can cram into as few words. If inventing fictional financial analogies eludes you, try these mad libs style practice phrases until you find one that’s uniquely you:

[any industry/commodity]+[any natural disaster] of [any year]
You follow? It should sound something like the corn epidemic of ‘74 or the currency avalanche of ‘68, you see? Or add a competing G7 locale for extra flavor, like the Italian gelato drought of 1945, that was a bad one. Diabetes almost completely eradicated from the earth. Now you can really cripple your cryptic foe. Play with it. Add a disdained president. Change up the order. Stretch out the enunciation of the fictitious year. Most of all have fun, remember, this bridge should self-combust on delivery. That is the point. Now, to say it with a straight face, that is the art. You want to use these as comparative studies, like, “reminds me of,” or “yeah, just like..” and sprinkle them heavily throughout the conversation.

Never hurts to throw in a, “Hey, I thought if we made it through that we could make it through anything. Now, I’m not so sure.”

You ready to draw blood? Cool, cause here comes the kill…

Once you and your foe have worked your way into a frothing nothing-left-to-live-for existence, affirm his depression with my favorite, “You’re right, it’s kind of a death spiral.”

The longer you are able to keep the fiction flowing with relative sobriety, the more confident you should become with this exercise. End it with something that sounds ugly, but rings true. Something like “You remind me of everything that’s wrong with this country. Which reminds me, I need to put some more hay in the barn.” Because seriously folks, the time to invest is when there is blood running through the streets and Nostradami springing up on every corner to predict the future. I’d venture to guess if you can carry a conversation using only made up bs like I’ve given you here, an alarm should sound in your head. A deafening alarm to remind you the future is now, Prosperity Now.

Prosperity Now to you, pal. Are you disappointed? I know it sucks to hear the truth sometimes, but e.s.p. has no place in your long term investment plans. When you find yourself battling about how bad the future will be, or find yourself faced with someone who claims they know the future, run thee with haste and throw a few extra bricks on your foundation. Refocus your priorities, be vigilant and don’t forget to put extra hay in the barn.

Finally, compensation. As far as compensating you goes, I’d like to see your best financial analogies in the comments. Anything I can slip by my peers in conversation with relative believability will earn a dedicated post, to you on your topic of choice. Now go out there and strive to beat these crazy coots to death at their own game. That will be compensation enough for me.