This episode is brazenly brought to you by the letters F & U.
Those who know me on the outside, know I’m not a lover of technology. Wait. I take that back. I’m slow to embrace new technology, I should say. I’m comfy cozy in my cocoon of ignorance, do not disturb! Yes. A technological shut-in. Truth hurts, but all this increased freedom through communication keeps tying me down.
I was the last hold out I knew to get a cell phone. Now, I should clarify for full disclosure: I do appreciate what functionality has been added via the cell phone. Namely all the safety features, I am a single parent. Still, should I need my phone for a true emergency, chances are I won’t have it. Or the battery will be dead. Or I can’t get a signal. That’s just the way that works.
And it’s odd, because my secondary schooling was all in communication. Maybe that’s why I resist. All the ease and the instantaneous brevity of the beast, it’s killing the art. At least it is for me. I suppose that’s why I bribed my way into the family of blown-eyes. A beautifully expressive pack of communicators, with a long lineage of enjoying the telling of a story, the expression of an idea.
Sigh. I know it gets redundant, but I truly love what all of you add to my life. Thanks for stopping by once in a while and posting much more regularly than I.
Back to the topic at hand, butchering the artform with brevity. I’ve recently had three relationships destroyed by text messaging. Dictionary.com defines con as an abuse of confidence or a trick. Which I find super ironic, because in case after case, some context surely would have improved the communication.
Examples? Surely. First there was a romantic interest. A super cute cop. However, due to our conflict in schedules (both of us have kids) he took to texting me as his main avenue of communication. They were all bad. They were all too brief and too familiar. Later gaters and sleepy tights littered through all of them. But the last one, the death knell, “No expectations, just good conversation.” What? No expectations? Sounds dull to me. Was I supposed to get excited about dating a beer advertisement?
The second was a married friend. He sent me hyper sexual threats through sms. He doesn’t have the balls to actually put a move on me in real life. But by text, he communicates almost purely in provocative cliches. He likes to tell me I’m hot and he wants to rock my world, it’s awful. It’s always uncomfortable to be around him, but I have to say, way more threatening feeling via text message. Maybe it’s seeing the jackassery in print. I’m not sure.
And the third has really got me a little dejected this weekend, my pocket pal boyfriend. He’s reduced me to text messaging. We used to talk, we used to yammer on the phone for hours. No more. Now I’m lucky if I get a text a week. I don’t get it. I’ve never been dumped by siphoned off communication before. It would feel better to get an honest “get lost” as opposed to reducing me to a “how ya doing?” every week or so. Does he think I don’t notice the change? I don’t know how to deal with it. The urgency of nothingness? I end up in text conversations, trying to take the higher road, when in fact, it doesn’t feel any better to fake like I don’t know what’s happening. Especially, in real time.
In the interest of furthering my work portraying myself as a non-psychotic, I could really use a little communal advice and support at this time. You are all so wise. Could you explain the necessity for traumatizing any human being in this way? It’s excruciating. If you have the time to type on a hand held device an entire conversation, then you have the time to call or email.
And I ran out of ideas along with sense years ago. Obviously, what I’ve been doing is not working. What would you do? Please, all ye who speak the abbreviated nonspeak of SMS, to the comments with you. I need ideas. How can we together stop this tidal wave of abusive conversation? Can you give me some ideas of some standard responses I could use the next time one of these manfolk idiots accost me in this way? Something sensible. Please help. Surely I’m not the only one suffering. Your direction is appreciated. Thanks in advance.
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April 5th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Okay, I had to look up “sms”. Sheesh. (And I so totally relate to the the whole bribing into the tribe thing!)
To be honest, I think the sheer availability of information makes any information cheap, even personal. And it’s not so much seen as “communication” since that implies a “communion” with another. It’s so shallow, it’s not communion, it’s just five more words of information. It’s addictive and it bleeds into our interpersonal style, just like alcohol or drugs or movie quotes.
The problem with it is that there is a saturation point in conversation. Always has been. I’ve wanted to blog about the Internet’s “saturation point” when there’s a blog-wide lull in the conversation. The Uncomfortable Silence that makes us realize that there’s nothing there behind the conversation. I get cynical. And then someone like Erica drags us back into the relationship by posting something so marvelous and touching about being in the pedicure chair and receiving the terrible news that a little bitty hopeful cat has died, and the pedicurist has become a professional mourner “…she recognized that I was someone whose heart broke while she held my foot in her hands. “
And you see, Erica writes stuff like that and communes with us, or rather allows us to commune with her, there, where she is raw and vulnerable and real. And it took her acres of thought and words and screen space to bring me to that place of tears. Had she merely texted a short phrase, I would have sighed and moved onto the next bit of information in my streaming-consciousness-that-is-google-reader.
It’s just too easy to move on to the next whatever.
There are very few people I can chat with for hours on the phone, for that matter. For, as nice as it is, it is still a substitute. And like all substitutes, it promises more than it can deliver. Ain’t nothing like living with, fighting with, aggravating with, making stupid faces at, smelling and feeling another human being.
Accept no substitutes.
*****
And now, I’m going to push away from this computer and go out into the world and shop for groceries and smile at strangers with wailing kids and be patient with little old ladies who can’t decide which can of beets to purchase as they stand in the middle of the aisle… but under my breath I may be mentally texting them certain phrases.
April 5th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
I ran out of sense years ago, and it’s never stopped me from holding forth. But seriously, all this wonderfull new shizz is merely a means of communications. And some people become very enamored of the medium. Overall, you have to remember that a lot of the new interactivity allows for great expansion of opportunities to meet like-minded, or even sane people. But at the end of the day, human contact is desireable. So it seems like they could be just going nuts about texting, without meaning to in more distance.
Hope I made sense. Don’t often do so. Enough words: back to set theory, a Manly Pursuit.
April 6th, 2008 at 7:41 am
Hard as I try, I can’t seem to get into this texting thing. Takes too long for my fat fingers to type. I love talking to people too much. I can stay on the phone a long time too.
I just don’t text very much- usually it’s “call me” or “hello” when I want to connect to someone. My son and I text to each other a bit, but he’s the only one. I will force myself to have that kind of conversation with him.
You could try telling you texter-amore’ that your syntax is out of whacks and you need talk in sounds…
April 6th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Do what I do. Tell the other person that you can receive texts but cannot send. My phone should have the capability, but it never works. Plus, I don’t have the patience to text. By the time I compose a sentence (with proper punctuation…I’m not an anarchist), I could have had a ten minute conversation. I prefer a short conversation to a text message.
If the other person continues to text, just DELETE it, and move on.
April 6th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
It’s not the medium, it’s the message. The problem isn’t how but what the jerks and creeps communicate. Texting just gives a**holes a new means to hurt or creep out you good ladies. Your cell phone serves a purpose, the a**holes don’t. Keep the phone – lose the fools.
April 7th, 2008 at 10:00 am
All too easy to ruin things via SMS. No tell lover didn’t answer his cell phone in two rings? Go 2 hell. I don’t ever want 2 c u again. FU. I plead guilty, your honor.
April 7th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Like Joan I had to look up SMS. In the mainframe world SMS is system managed storage. WTF is she doing talking about that? You’ll be happy to know that I never text and I certainly have absolutely no plans to do that in the future. The telephone is for talking!!!!!!
April 7th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Where DO you look up SMS? I suppose I could google it?
Teenagers text. Adults converse.
And, by the way, teen texting consists of messages such as — ’sup? At least this is what parents tell me.
When I was growing up good girls didn’t call guys, but I hear from all sources that this has changed. I say follow up an inane text with some real reaching out and touching the wires. Can you still rescue the relationship with the cute cop?
April 8th, 2008 at 9:17 am
For those who don’t know… SMS – short message service. It’s like IM on your cell phone.
It’s quite simple. You tell people you will be happy to talk with them on the phone, but you aren’t going to text. Period. Then stick to this. Don’t respond to text messages. You can read them to see what people say, but don’t write back. If they want to be in touch with you they can call or you can call them and they can talk to you. If they don’t want to talk then they don’t want to be in touch. Simple really. There’s no angst there, it’s all in how you want people to correspond.
Some people are very happy to text like mad and prefer it because they can do it any time – anywhere without others in the area or room knowing what they’re saying.
I only text with one or 2 people in very specific instances. It does work out well when you’re in a spot where the cell phone won’t work to actually talk – many times it will work for text… so if you’re in a place and trying to meet up with someone (such as Erica and I at the train station on Saturday trying to get together for the recent blog meet) texting can be good.
As a regular method of communication with someone you really care about – it sucks pond water. It basically means there is no relationship there except maybe a semi-friendly one. Two people who really like each other (when talking in terms of men-women relationships) either find time for each other or it has already fizzled.
Just my .02.
April 8th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
You betcha, Denny. Mainframes. They oughta be called Manframes. Gimme a system crash and a nighttime supply of Vodka and I’ll fix any problem faster than them snotnoses on other platforms. Now you midrange punks stop arguing, or so help me Codd I’ll stop this project right here and com back there~
April 9th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Cappy – When I was working in my last tech support job at IBM, we had an Inquisition Meeting every Wednesday. One of the things we did was review problem records. We mainframe folks usually closed our problem records less than two hours after they were opened. The midrange and PC folks had some problem records opened for days. There is a reason I’m a mainframe bigot. RAS (Reliability Availability Serviceability)
May 1st, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Supergurl, keep it simple. Just say, “If you want to talk to me then call me!!” And don’t return text messages. You can be a biaatch if you want to. If he can’t handle it, then he’s a wuss. NEXT! I had a relationship ruined over Yahoo instant messenger because I felt like a prisoner in front of the monitor trying to have a meaningful conversation. The whole problem with this type of communication is you can’t type emotion and, furthermore, whatever you write becomes a permanent message. Text and IM are horrible horrible means of communicating anything more than a “hey, sup!” or “I’m almost there.” or “I’ll meet you at…” or “Hillary sux!” You know what I mean?